Why I Wake Up
by BumbaMumbaJimJams
Summary: The reason for Santana to wake up every morning. Careful implies depression.


**That's just a short one-shot I thought of. **

**I haven't read over it so be aware there may be mistakes and stuff so if that offends you I would not read it. **

**If you have the time please review. It's always the best to get feedback.**

Every morning is the same. Same faces, same monotone activities, same people, same everything. Still every morning I get's out of bed, dress in my uniform and go to school. My home used to be warm and cozy. A retreat I could count on. Now it seems like a house caught in a blizzard it can't escape confining every living soul in it in cold numbness. At school this numbness does not fade because I have an image to uphold. A mask even more callous than my house and meaner than most can handle. It's odd how I seem to be the most feared girl in school, the crowds part for me when I walk in the hallways. I'm the queen bee at the top of the food chain but I myself feel like I'm at the bottom. So low everyone could trample on her if they just saw what I see.

Fact is they don't. Because they don't see me really. All they see is the girl with the scowl, the girl spitting insults, the girl whose expression is so cold and fierce they shudder.

Sometimes I ask myself why I wake up every morning for this petty excuse of a life I live. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I'm buried beneath the cold at home, the mask I wear to school and the feelings I can't dare to admit.

When I sit around in Glee I take my time to watch the people around me. They may be the ones that see the most of my real self although not all.

I look at Mike Chang dancing around Tina. Whenever he dances he smiles, his moves flawless and the people around him in awe. Every move he makes, every muscle he moves has purpose. He dances for his dream to be a dancer, he moves to excel in his academics to please his parents and he moves with a strong body and mind forward. Every step strong and graceful.

Tina sits next to him and laughs at some of his dorky moves. Tina is different. She often sits and watches people. Since she has left behind her stutter she has become much more self confident. Though she is still sensitive. She likes to laugh and enjoy things. Although many people think just because she dresses like a goth she likes death but from what I see Tina enjoys living much more. She is bright, attentive and supports Mike in every way she can. She is the one to help him find his beat when he does a wrong move. She is a source of quiet, calm power. A rock that grounds you and at the same time can brighten up one's mood with her smile and positive attitude. She is a dreamer, living from day to day holding on to hopes and dreams.

Down at the piano next to Brad is Finn. He is the one that surprised me the most. I never thought much of him. Always running around chasing a girl and when he finally got her wanting the one he rejected before. But since this year, our senior year I learned something valuable from him. Contentment. He is back with Rachel and I can see that he doesn't want anything else. Nor more chasing Quinn or anything just being happy with the girl he has made his own. I've overheard him and Rachel talk about Colleges and I know that he tried to get a football scholarship and failed. He was really upset about it but now he is set on trying to attend colleges with his grades and even if he doesn't get a place he wouldn't mind working at Burt's shop. He likes his new found family and his life in Lima. It is not what he thought about at first but he must have realized that though it's not all he wished for it's one of the best things he's got. I think I don't have to mention the dwarf and Kurt who both live to achieve their lifelong dreams and fight a fierce battle to get there. All these people in this room even Puck have some kind of motivation or trait about them that makes them strife for something in their lives or grants them the option to enjoy it. That makes their life worth living.

I always searched for that kind of thing. Something to tie me to here in this life that makes me want to stay and not just drop dead in my house so the blizzard can consume my cold dead body as it's own. I tried out Glee Club but it only was enough for so long. I still yearned for a place where I don't have to bend to fit into a cluster.

I'm suddenly brought out of my thoughts and observations by a warm hand on my shoulder. So warm it seems to melt away the armor of thick icy cold surrounding my body. I revel in the feeling and look up into deep blue eyes. It's Brittany and she does nothing but smile at me and silently asks if she can take the seat next to me. I nod and she sits down. Her aura calm and warm, her scent intoxicating and sweet and her smile radiating and illuminating every dull inch of the room for me. It is then that I know why I wake up every morning and endure my life mocking me everyday with it's simple uselessness. It's for this moment to see blue eyes and that smile. The warmth that keeps me from freezing over completely. I grab her pinky and it sends shivers down my skin. An electric sparks that unknowingly revives me every time we touch, helps me not to succumb to my darkest thoughts and think of the unimportance of my mundane existence. I know this is no state to be in. I can't wake up every day just for this can I? It is not healthy to just be a shallow husk until this fleeting moments I can share with her and revel in her joy and happiness, in her childish yet so adult craving to live and experience everything around her with innocent eyes and an open heart. I can't count that she will always be there when my thoughts seem to overpower me and I feel suffocating in my uselessness and my shallow form. Who knows next time it happens there may be no blue eyes to save me and I will involuntarily drown in myself.

But right now it feels so good to just bask in her so I clasp her hand tightly in mine and let everything Brittany surround me. I'll find a better way to deal with this tomorrow when I wake up.


End file.
